i'm beginning to notice that everything significant for me tends to happen in two's. or at least that's my hypothesis. today was just not a very fortunate day. First off, we went to see the cadaver for AP bio today and that was something i never want to do again. I really thought i could handle it and then, well i almost passed out. Blood, guts, surgery, cutting, knives, and the like make me squirm and cringe and today was just all those rolled into one cold, dead body. You always see the women faint in movies, you know, just put the back of their hand to their head and lightly fall over. no, not so much.

I just went to my grandma's funeral this summer and i thought i pretty much was over those emotions, but seeing that cadaver was deeply disturbing. I know that person donated their body for purposes such as that, but i just cant handle seeing people manipulate and disect a human body. I couldnt help but think of seeing my grandma in her casket and how when i was at the funeral i kept imagining her just waking up and looking around, wondering why everyone was crying.

was it wrong for me to imagine my grandma laying on that steel disection table? i almost wanted to scream out and tell the doctor to just let her lay in peace.

After leaving the room and sitting outside in that cold, concrete hallway I couldnt keep my composure any longer. I was glad i was alone out there so no one could see the tears running down my face. I really do miss grandma, and i really dont like seeing dead people, and i dont like blood or guts or surgery or cutting or knives or the like and, i hate the smell of formaldehyde. damn, now i just know i'll have nightmares about this.

why am i so weak i cant bring myself to do anything.

oh, olivia, refer to above line for how it went tonight.